Stark Ravings

I feel.. uninspired. Gone were the days when I read like a bookworm, had thoughts stringed together and rushing to write an essay would be as easy as clicking one's fingers. I used to read, alot. when I was much younger. My entries were lengthier and like Charm suggested its cos school drilled us to do argumentatives all the time till its grown into.
It's the third of Jan, 3 short days after the new year though starting off the new year wasn't much of a big bang for me. It's amazing what a bore I am able to sound. The new year gives us all yet another reason to party- to go out, leap into the crowded swarm of other mad, rowdy non-sober celebrating crowd. I approach 2008 with the pressure to excel, to do better, to soar. I just read a quote thats printed onto one of those laminated sheets mum had stuffed under the dining table's glass panel. The one where a dozen quotes are sprawled all over each thought-provoking. It's titled A Creed to Live By. The first one caught my eye - do not belittle yourself comparing to others. it is you that makes yourself different and unique, or something along that line. The first thing that came to mind is how much confidence I'm losing in myself, day after day. We've got young talents in our course, each with a goal, a dream and passion and they're scoring straights As, given the chance for overseas internship based on grades. As much as I'd like to tell myself that grades aren't everything, in the wicked world now it sure darn is. Treachery, boot licking, faking it all. Hell they even teach us such things in class. Buying journalists supper so they'd write about your company for free.
Its sad, sad that we're made to sit for exams and tests papers. I tried soul searching- to find the reason that leads to my poor grades. And I couldn't put my foot on a main one. Lack of inspiration/ lack of effort/ lack of attachment to the school at all.. Don't get me wrong- I love what I'm learning. It totally caters to my interest groups. Broadcasting, photography and all. Its silly and ironic that I'm now blaming the school's curriculum timings when I cheered and jumped for joy when I took my first peek at the timetable. We go to school for a mere 2 hour lecture/tutorial almost daily. Two results: either we don't even go to school, or we go and head out after class. We don't even mug cept' for last minute which brings me nowhere further than a D+. I don't attend lectures without giving two hoots and now and the submission of journals are gonna fuck me up so hard.
Forget school. I just need some, some form of.. determination. Some angel or something to beckon me to put in a sliiiight bit of effort. Considering that I've wasted some two years pondering over what works for me. So I started out late, yadayada.
I'd like to tell myself that its alright cos its figuring out what my preference is. It's like job hopping, its like trying out new boyfriends. Still, it still hurts.

One day I'm gonna soar, I know it. I am gonna earn myself big bucks and live in luxury. (both the boyfriend and i are really driven by money).
Speaking of tests papers, hell I put in even more effort for my Basic Theory test (which i believe i aced & scored a 100%). I started reading the book 2 months before the damn date. And now, I havent booked for my Advanced but I'm already flippin the pages.
That's cause' I really want it. I do.
One day I'm gonna,
gonna sit behind the wheel and cruise,
cruise along the roads with the wind blowing onto my face.

Its really too bad that exams exist. I can'tttttt score well for a paper! Except for O levels, which I had to attempt twice to do well. grr. I am precise, accurate and concise. I command attention when I speak (just like my dad) and I know that if I plan what to say well, I'll impress. When I talk, people listen. I believe I have a better than average command of english I'm not afraid to try many jobs, to talk to customers and make them happy.
Its just too bad that all these talent I see in myself, isn't spotted among the ones choosing my internship position because of the darn alphabet that defines whether we're capable, or not. And its all about bootlicking isn't it. Faking and buying them lunch, buying into their good books I'd prefer to call it. The ones choosing our intern position are as modern as the students are today. Girls are bitches. The older ones are no exception. Gossip spread far and wide and the cohort is tiny. I guess it's not so important to voice these opinions out, or be, recognised for it, or to tell others about feeling the pressure, no one really wants to listen anyway.
I just can't wait to hop onto a stable job, one where I could put my interest and talent to use. Talking to my girlfriend makes me happy for her- she's somewhat struggling with the workload in her new job but she gets a good salary and experience. I want to jumpstart toward something, a spark that'll lead me to soaring high and above. I need.. an inspiration.